Feelings...

The past few days I've gotten to go to a Joyce Meyer's conference, even though we've had a couple of kids with the flu. (The nurse said it sounded like h1n1, but we aren't going in to get it tested, so we don't know for sure.)

This is the main lesson I learned this weekend:

Day 1 - Thursday evening, Joyce shared that she was speaking on "feelings" and "emotions" and how we can't let our lives be ran by them. I thought, "That's nice, but I wish it was something that had more to do with things I'm dealing with." I mean, for the most part I'm not someone who typically makes all my decisions on "feelings", but even that evening I admitted to myself that there's an area where I might let my "feelings" rule more then they should. As I was working through the disappointment of my expectations of the evening I still was asking God to speak to me even though I didn't think it was that relevant to me.

Day 2 - There was a Friday morning session, but because I had sick kids I decided that I would stay home and help nurture them, and when there are four in a bed it's hard to get good sleep. So after sleeping in with Kaylie, I got up and around. I came downstairs and saw the mail. I opened up a piece of mail that I'd been expecting, and to me, it was devastating news (in reality, it is not, so don't worry.)

This news made me cry ALL afternoon. I was feeling like a failure. I was feeling guilty. I was feeling like I couldn't do it anymore. I was ready to pass the reins to someone else to do the job that I was sure God had called me to do. Doubts start coming on like, DID God really call me to do this or was it just MY desire? What if I forever ruin these precious little people? Maybe I can't do this and I was fooling myself to think I could. I'm not the best person for this.

I then called my mom and we talked a little bit about the conference the night before and that Joyce was going to be speaking on how not to live by feelings. I then told her that "I am ready to give up." sob sob "I feel guilty that I'm 'ruining' [him]." sob sob

Of course my mom then shares wisdom that I already knew, but I wasn't thinking to clearly. She said, "Talk about being ran by feelings!"

"I know, I know."

Guess what Joyce was speaking on that evening. The "feeling" of guilt. Yep, God spoke right to me. He showed me that I let my "feelings" run me more then I thought. I left much better then when I came.

I am made right through Him. I am forgiven. I have His mercy. I have His grace. And I have no doubt that He is going to shed His wisdom on us as we are making decisions on what to do.